Desmund

I have been having these kind of days lately... Where I feel like I haven't been present with Desmund. Maybe that's why he's acting out. But taking him places is exhausting. He throws fits. He never wants to leave when it's time. Grocery shopping with him is a nightmare kuz he always wants a toy. Or this or that. And then when we are home I'm on my phone. Or cleaning. Yelling at him to stop doing something he shouldn't be doing. Then he goes to sleep at night and I wonder how we survived the day. And all this kid wants to do is stay home with me most days. "mom I just want to stay at home with you" he has said that countless times. He likes to snuggle but he moves so much that it makes me crazy. And there's only so much in the long hours he's awake that I can do to keep him occupied. He is always so busy it's hard for me to keep up. That alone wears me out. Then there's cleaning up after him. He fights picking up his own toys. So the other time spent is telling him to clean or else I'll take toys away. I don't know how to deal with this 4 year old who's head strong. Thinks he rules the roost. Throws fits over nothing. And I feel like the time I have with him while he is little is going so fast and im not doing my part to be present for him. It's exhausting being a mom. And I'm sure from my writing, you can tell I'm exhausted now. I try to do crafts with him, but the thought of such a mess makes me crazy kuz I don't wanna clean it all up when we are done. Plus like I've said. He has a short attention span and I don't know how to transistion from one thing to the next. Especially when there's clean up involved.

I just have been having those days. Where all the sudden it's bedtime and I feel like I did nothing with my son tho he has been with me the entire day.

Today I played marbles with him. But once again. Short attention span. Didn't last long. Then there was a mess to clean up.

We do have conversations. That's one thing I've been trying to work on. Talking to him and letting him tell me stories. Or sing me songs. Or tell me about the day (even tho I was there...).

I'm just at a loss. And I'm exhausted. And I just needed a rant...

Being a mom is so hard. But when I hear that little voice say "mom I love you so much" nothing else seems to matter. I wish that feeling could happen more often. That I could have those moments more often. Or let myself have them more often. I'm working on it. And I love that kid to the moon.