I've been feeling... Not like myself. Like at all for a good 6 months at least. Some days it feels longer. But I think it really hit after I turned 26. I don't know why 26 was such a big deal for me. It was hard. All I have wanted to do since, is drink and party and hang with friends. I haven't wanted to be home, or be a mom or wife. Not that I wanna hurt myself or anyone else, but I have just wanted to run away.
Well I finally talked to Cameron about it. I told him not to say anything and just listen. I felt like I had fallen into a depression and I didn't know what to do. Nothing was helping-- aside from hanging out with friends and working, kuz then I could forget my other problems. Well after talking to Cam, things got better. I also had my best friend to help me out and take me away when I needed it. And I could honestly say I was happy! Then we started talking about moving to idaho falls and it got bad again. This time, more progressively. I had 2 different times where Cam and Des were in Idaho falls but I had to stay in Boise to work. And it was awesome just... Being. I could do what I wanted. When I wanted. I slept in. I stayed out late. I loved it. I missed my family. I did. But I liked just being...Ila for a while. Then it made me feel bad. I've felt so awful for the way I've been feeling about not wanting to be around them...
My last night in Boise was great. And sad. But I didn't think about everything. I just was. And I played hard and said bye to my friends. I've never been so badly missed in my life, nor have I missed people so badly in my life.
Well when we all were in Idaho falls, settling in, getting the store open, unpacking, etc... Things were honestly really good. I still missed Boise and my friends. But I was still happy. Well then one day, I just wasn't happy. I wasn't seeing Cam. And when he was home he was doing work. But I already knew that was going to happen before we got here. So I was mentally prepared for it. But I didn't have friends to go hang out with. I just have felt stuck. And I still do. Well lots of other feelings have been changing. Lots I can't really talk about, mostly kuz I don't know how and I don't know why. So i just needs lots of good vibes coming my way that I can do what I need to to be happy. That I can provide and be there for my kid. I have started going to counseling and I am recently on antidepressants. I'm hoping to be me again soon. I also got some great advice from my mom. She told me to do something that I would have done if I hadn't gotten married so young (the first time). So I'm gonna start singing again. If all goes well ill actually start taking voice lessons again. Yeah...
It's good that you talked to the people closest to you about how you are feeling because they are the ones who can help you get through this the most. I've struggled for nearly two years now, with mild depression. I've never had depression before, so when I realized I wasn't "bouncing back" after having my last baby, it scared me. I went on anti-depressants (which for whatever reason, didn't do anything for me and I wasn't patient enough to try other kinds because we want to have another baby) for a few months and then when I got off of them, I figured out that being busy during the day was very helpful. If I had things to do, I didn't have a chance to notice I was super tired or I didn't have time to waste time. :) I was taking afternoon naps every single day for months until I started homeschooling this fall because I "do school" in the afternoons. That's been a real blessing because I could sleep for two hours or more if my kids would let me! Because you have cute Des and you're in a new town and your husband is working hard to provide for your little family, I can see how this is really rough, despite knowing ahead of time this would be the situation. I guess I just want you to know that I feel like I can relate with you...I can understand a little bit how you're feeling. I'm just impressed that you are trying to get yourself together so you can be happy again and be the kind of wife and mother you desire to be. And we all know that's hard to do even when you feel awesome in your head. :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. I went to a gynocologist just for peace of mind and she recommended taking Vitamin B (or prenatal vitamins, since there's Vit. B in them). Apparently, B vitamins help with energy. I've been very bad about taking my vitamins (I'm not much of a medicine-person unless I've got a bad headache or fever), but I'm trying to get back in the habit. It's not a cure, but it's supposed to help!