here's my story

I have been wanting to write a very honest, personal post for a while. I'm sure people wonder about my divorce and how I got where I am. Why I don't go to church anymore. My feelings about The Church, etc. Well here's my story. Close to the beginning of my doubts about church. I had a huge blog written but it was so scattered so I decided to do a kind of time line...help keep my thoughts more organized... Well, I grew up in the LDS church. Was taught right and wrong. No boyfriends, no passionate kissing, no petting etc. I barely even held hands with a boy. I had a few "boyfriends" before I was 16. I didn't have my first kiss til 3 months before I turned 17. But then it went downhill fast. I started making out with boys. A lot. And messing around. Lost my virginity after I turned 18...about a month after graduation. For a while I thought I might be pregnant. I thought I was gonna marry this boy. We will call him “T”. His family hated me. They pretty much told me they'd like me after we both repented, he went on a mission and came back and we got married. Well that didn't happen. It was a messed up situation. We barely saw each other. I decided to go back to church, talk to a bishop. T and I planned to stay together. He lived halfway across the country tho. And people say long distance relationships never work. ESP when more than half your time together is spent apart... Well, we officially broke things off, he went on a mission, we barely spoke. He sent me an email a few years later, maybe for closure, I'm not sure. But I haven't talked to him since. I had a short fling during/after...I liked the guy a lot. But he didn't like me enough to be monogamous. It was short-lived and I moved on.... When I was 17, I met a guy named Jon. He was an RM. 5 years older than me, didn't pay much attention to him 'cause I was still in high school. After high school, after T, he came into my work to see me, tho he acted like he didn't. He stared at me all night one night, even tho he was with his girlfriend. Later that night he texted our mutual friend, A, and told her he broke up with this girl. A few nights later, A and I decided to do a girl's night and go to a movie, Jon got invited and I didn't know... It was sorta awkward, since I knew it was a set up, and I was still technically with T. A few nights later, he came int our work again and wanted to hang out that night. So A and I hung out. We watched a movie with him. Of course they set it all up. We watched a scary movie. We all held hands... Tricky kids... Well, a few days later, T and I officially ended it. Jon and I went on an official date. We started dating. He was gone for a long weekend. We texted when we could. He hurried back. Within 2 weeks we said “I love you” and started ring shopping. 2 weeks after that he proposed. 4 months later we were married. Civilly. Because we had had a physical relationship for about the first month. We decided to stop 'til we got married. We started seeing a bishop together. And we worked on it. We wanted to go to the temple close to our 1 year anniversary. Well, the first 2 months were great. Then suddenly anything physical stopped. We had decided to not have kids 'til we went thru the temple. But that doesn't mean...well you know. Things were rocky. We stopped talking. Money was tight. We moved in with his parents shortly before our 1 year. We had a hard time going to church, reading scriptures, praying, etc. But close to our 1 year we went to the bishop and we were cleared for the temple. We were sealed in August 2007. And me, well, I thought things would get better. Things got worse. We never had alone time, we never went on dates alone. Our time together was him playing xbox and me reading in the same room. He thought it was ok. I didn't. No sex. I found out that he looked at porn shortly after we got married and had kept it a secret for a long time. I also found out he looked at it right before we were sealed in the temple, too. April 2008 we finally moved out of his parent's house and back on our own. He had a decent job. I was working a few jobs. I wasn't happy. We didn't talk. Not about anything really. We never had sex. When he was home, he was playing xbox. I started wanting to be home less and less. I worked a lot. In May, Jon decided he didn't want to work at his job anymore. But he hadn't found a new job. I was pissed. He didn't understand. If I bugged him about finding work he just said, "Stop acting like my dad". A month after he stopped working, an ex-boyfriend started texting me. He had been having marital issues as well. We texted a lot. We confided in each other what we couldn't with our spouses. Our conversations started getting inappropriate. We talked about meeting up and cheating on our spouses. It was more talk than anything. I don't think either of us would have gone thru with it. Well, Jon and I went on a road trip with his family. It was fun and awful at the same time. Jon and I just didn't have a connection anymore and I don't think he noticed it. We even went to a sealing in the Temple. Even tho the whole time before this trip we had talked about drinking. He missed it and I had never done it and was curious... Some time during this summer, he had had an online chat with a girl I worked with, and he had liked her before he and I started hanging out. She was 13 and he was an RM. He liked her and told her he had wished he'd kissed her and dated her, etc. It was so messed up. She showed me the conversation. I finally told Jon and I thought it woulda ended worse than it did. It was the first time we'd talked, actually talked, in a long time. He said it was closure. I called it BS. But I let it go. Sorta. And I sorta told him about talking with the ex. But not the whole thing. Well, at the end of July, a guy from work started texting me. Let's call him “B.” Same thing happened. Finally I was getting the attention that I hadn't gotten from my husband in a very long time. It was nice. I felt wanted and attractive. Within a few weeks, I cheated on Jon. Jon and I went to my family reunion together. It was awkward. We barely talked to each other the entire time. Not on the car ride, even. Well, the Saturday after, Jon fell asleep on the living room floor. B came to our apt and parked outside and said he was there if I wanted to leave. I was scared. I went out to his car. Jon woke up and texted me "where are you?" I said "shit. Jon I need to tell you something.” He called me and asked where I was. I saw him walk outside. I told him to go inside and I'd be there in a minute. He saw me get out of the car and asked if there was a guy in there. I told him “yes” and he walked over to confront the guy. He came back to me. We talked and yelled and fought for hours upon hours. I told him what happened. I told him I wasn't sure if I loved him anymore or if I even wanted to be with him anymore. He cried, I cried. I got angry. I was so angry. I wanted him to be mad. I wanted him to hate me and tell me it was over. It would have been easier. I finally left at about 6 in the morning to get some sleep. I was being selfish. I was only thinking about me. I wish I wouldn't have hurt him like I did. He thought we would still make it. We hung out and talked. This just pissed me off more. He also took me to Walmart one day. We were just spending the day together and it was awkward. He bought lube. He thought I was going to have sex with him after him not wanting to for months! I was so pissed. I asked if I could sleep instead. I wasn't having it .He pretty much forced me to see a bishop with him. A bishop we had never spoken to before. Anyway, back to the bishop. He asked me a million times if I wanted t stay with him. I told him no and that I wanted nothing to do with the church anymore either. He kept me there for like 4 hours. I was so angry that by the end I just told Jon it was over. I went to a movie that night with the B. I was so confused. Jon tried for a while to get me back and when he realized that was it, he filed for divorce. He wrote up the divorce decree. We met with the lawyer. I got screwed but couldn't fight anything 'cause he didn't file it as adultery. He gave me the most debt. Left me the car I never wanted in the first place, Jon had to have it tho. And it was nothing but a headache for me for 2 years. He took things that he knew would piss me off, not even 'cause he wanted it. He took my wedding ring and sold it to buy his new wife's ring.. Jon tried to monopolize everyone in my life, including my own family. He told my friends to not speak to me or hang out with me. There are still people in Rexburg who won't talk to me, who won't look at me. Even tho they only know part of my story, or only that I left Jon. Or they only know his side. Jon lied to me a lot of times after everything and about everything. He got engaged a month after our divorce was final. (We had only been separated a month when the divorce got finalized.) He lied to me about how he met her. He left for a week and ignored me the whole time he was gone. He lied to me about me needing to write a letter to the first presidency of the Church so he could get remarried in the temple. I was nice. Who knew, I might need his help one day. All this was after my break up with the B. And after meeting Cameron. If I'd never cheated, if I had never been with B, I might not have ever started partying, I might never have gone to the house party at Cam's parents house. I might have never met Cameron. So even tho I made a mistake, it got me to where I am! After meeting Cam and breaking things off with B I went back to church and moved in with my parents. But it just wasn't me. The bishop was great but wanted me to go to my home ward bishop, who I went thru stuff with first time repenting. He was a douche. He just pushed me so hard at repenting and he would seriously YELL at me for anything I did that wasn't part of the "plan" to finish my repentance process and it made me not want to repent and be in church. He pretty much TOLD me I had to do it his way. He wad always checking in on me, like constantly. More than just my visits with him. He made "suggestions" to me but it was more of "my way or the highway" type thing. Like a holier than thou attitude that really pissed me off. Anyway. I never went back to the bishop. I made lots of new friends. I dated a little. Started messing around again. I just wasn't happy going to church and telling someone I didn't even know all of my sins. It's between me and God. One reason I disagree with the church is that I have to go thru someone else to make things right. Anyway, during this time Cameron and I had started talking. He took me on a date while he was home for Christmas (I think I have already put our meeting story on here:)) we drank, we did other things. I was happy. I liked Cameron. I moved to Logan, Utah. Cam and I kept talking. The day he got back to Virginia (he was stationed there in the navy), he bought me a plane ticket to come see him for my birthday. We texted and talked a lot. I fell for him more and more. He came to visit me the weekend before Valentine's Day. We officially started dating. He told me he loved me. Then I went out there for my birthday. While I was there, we talked about me moving there. Logan had nothing holding me there: My friends were flaky, my job gave me minimal hours. Cam was already paying my rent, my cell phone, my car...pretty much all my bills! What a great guy! Seriously. So I moved out at the end of March 2009. We lived there 'til end of July. Moved to Boise August 1st. And well, the rest is history. I am happier than I have ever been. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have most of my life. I have the best in laws. I have an amazing husband who loves me so much, who's still attracted to me. He tells me he loves me everyday. He tells me how beautiful I am. After 3.5 years together, we are still happy and more in love. He actually wants to spend time with me too! Who knew this is what it's supposed to be like;) We have a beautiful baby boy together. (One thing I didn't do with Jon. We tried for 1.5 years, never happened and I'm so glad. I could not have a family with that man and I haven't spoken to him since the day before he got remarried!!! God works in mysterious ways!)... Anyway, I love my life. I am happy. I have a wonderful son and husband. I am blessed. And I don't think God hates me because I have changed my ways. Now about church. I still do believe some of the things I was taught. I don't believe that I am a bad person because I drink, or because I lived with Cameron before we were married or because I have smoked or that I swear or because I wear short shorts or sleeveless shirts or show cleavage and have piercings and a tattoo, and have had premarital sex. I am a great wife and mom. I love my family. They are much better with accepting me than they were. They are still working on it. But they aren't perfect either. I don't believe that I will never see my family in the after-life just because we aren't LDS. Another thing, Everyone is judgmental. ESP LDS people. ESP my own family. Who have disowned me, spread rumors, made rude comments on my wedding day 'cause I was pregnant and wearing a strapless dress and my bridesmaids were wearing sleeveless dresses. On and on. I am thankful that the bishop and others from the ward we are supposed to be in have respected my feelings toward church. I know I'm not perfect and sometimes I make judgments of others that I shouldn't, but I am still me. I act different, I dress different, I sometimes talk different. And I'm sad for the friendships I have lost because some people can't accept me for who I am or how I live my life. But I am thankful for my husband, for the new friends I've made that don't care about my past, for the friends that have stuck by my side even tho they might not like things I have done. Anyway, if you want to comment, please do. But I will not respond to any negative or rude comments. Thanks:)